Christopher Stocks

Island Life

A passing phase

I was woken at seven in the morning the other day by an almighty racket going on outside, as every seagull within 200 yards screeched, honked and hooted in the kind of cacophonous chorus that always makes me wonder if the Greeks got the idea of the Furies after hearing them scream and whirl about overhead.

It’s a terrible, ugly sound, its function obviously to spread the alarm about a perceived threat, as well, presumably, as to alarm potential predators. But it’s also a fascinating phenomenon to listen to, since this massed screeching always begins and ends in the same way. Unless the threat is a big one – a helicopter, say, or a chimney sweep’s brush popping unexpectedly out of a chimney pot – the chorus is usually initiated by a single gull.

Perceiving a threat, whether it’s just because someone has started staring at it (try it sometime), or because it’s caught sight of a passing cat (even though cats can patently not fly), a gull will usually start chattering to itself, with a series of short cackles in groups of three or four.

This can go on for some time, and die away again if the threat recedes, but if it doesn’t then soon other gulls start joining in, even if they don’t appear to be entirely clear what the threat might be. Normally the closest gulls start honking first, with pairs of gulls often honking alternately together like a pair of bellows, their necks see-sawing up and down like those nodding-donkey oil wells you’ve seen on old newsreels.

Quickly other gulls start joining in, until every gull within earshot is screaming like a banshee. This can go on for ages, and it often forms a deafeningly discordant dawn chorus which is one of the most distinctive, and mournful, sounds of the seaside.

Eventually the climax passes and slowly the noise dies down, though a few scattered gulls continue to squawk disconsolately for some time yet. Occasionally, as paired gulls do their alternate honking, though, there’s a fascinating point where, for a while, their calls start going in and out of phase.

It suddenly struck me, as I lay there sleeplessly, that it’s an effect a composer like Steve Reich might find utterly inspiring, and it certainly has its own strange beauty. Though not, perhaps, at seven on a February morning.

Chesil close up

Graeme Walker, artist, country, morris man and mummer and curator of the Brighton Pebble Museum, arrived on Monday to see Chesil Beach for himself: after a slap-up cream tea at the Lobster Pot on Portland Bill we headed down to the beach and spent a chilly hour sifting through pebbles and collecting kindling for the fire.

Graeme found a stone that sadly turned out to be less suited to a bottle-opener than it appeared, but there were plenty of others worth looking at, subtly different yet quite distinct in their material: dark-red jasper from Devon, dark grey limestone as finely grained as a polished piece of hardwood, pale grey pebbles with vibrant orange inclusions, pebbles decorated with mysterious markings like charcoal hieroglyphics, all blended together by their soft salt glaze. If we give too much value to objects that cost a lot of money to buy, perhaps we give too little to those that are free – though, like pebbles, they are at least as satisfying and beautiful in themselves.

London rock

London may seem remote from the Isle of Portland – and not just physically, as anyone who’s endured the interminable three-hour train journey can attest, but in so many other ways as well. Yet whenever I’m in London these days I only have to raise my eyes above the shopfronts to be reminded of home, for when you start to look it’s quite staggering how much of the West End and the City is built of (or at least faced with) Portland stone.

I’d always taken the often-repeated claim that there’s more Portland stone in London than there is left on Portland itself with a large pinch of salt, but spend a couple of days walking round town and you start wondering how there’s anything left of the island at all.

Take Regent Street, for example. Its entire length is faced in Portland stone, from the tippety top of Portland Place to the bottom of Pall Mall, but it’s astonishing how many major buildings began life on my island too: St Paul’s, the Banqueting House, the main front of Buckingham Palace, Waterloo Bridge, the Bank of England, the Ministry of Defence, the Liberal Club, the Monument – not to mention pretty much every Wren church there is.

Funny to think that Somerset House is made from exactly the same stone as my house, if rather more finely finished…

Hidden beauties

It’s been a particularly good year for autumn ladies’ tresses, those miniature orchids whose whorls of ivory-white flowers give them their evocative name. Walking to Portland Bill last weekend we had a second look at a wonderful large colony of them, well over a thousand in all, growing (as orchids often seem to do) in a most unpromising and not especially attractive spot. But for the first time we also noticed scattered examples dotted along the cliffs all the way to the Bill.

They seem to thrive – or at least be able to survive – on the most closely-bitten turf, even right on the cliff edge, in the teeth of the fiercest winds and the windblown salt; everywhere else they’re out-competed by more vigorous grasses and larger plants. If you lie down and get close enough to them their minute flowers smell faintly sweet too, with the slightest hint of vanilla – or at least that’s what they smelled like to me.

Tread softly because you tread… eeurgh

Some friends of ours came to visit a while back and were amazed (if that’s the right word) by the remarkable amount of dog crap that decorates the paths and pavements of Portland. In fact they found the number of these foul faecal heaps – piled, smeared, spattered, splurged, carefully bagged then casually flung –  so overwhelming that by the time they left they had a new name for Portland: Turd Island.

Now, Portland certainly has plenty of dogs, but the odd thing is that all the dog-owners I see always seem to pick up their pooches’ poo and take it away with them. So where does this surfeit of shit come from?

Some, no doubt, from the occasional dog you see snuffling around without any sign of its owner, but most of it must be left by dog-walkers who sneak out so early in the morning, or late in the evening that no one else catches them at it – which at least suggests they know that what they’re doing is pretty foul and antisocial. Which begs the question, why?